Isolation In Men
Are men more lonely than ever?
Week in and week out we hear from our male clients that they feel lonely. Similarly, partners often share their concern about their boyfriend’s or husbands' lack of a social life and overreliance on them for support and entertainment. Which leaves us wondering - is there a rise in social isolation experienced by men?
In an article written for the LA Times by Jean Guerrero in Jan. 2024 linked here, “the epidemic of loneliness is hitting men hardest.” According to the article, studies show that loneliness does seem to be on the rise after all.
“A 2023 State of American Men report from Equimundo found that two-thirds of surveyed men between ages 18 and 23 say “no one really knows me.” Since 1990, the share of men who lack a single close friend quintupled to 15%, according to a 2021 study by the Survey Center on American Life. It’s worse for unmarried men: One in five of them report that they have no close friends. And 1 in every 4 of those younger than 30 say they have no close friends.”
The Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy has named this trend the “loneliness epidemic” and made educating people about loneliness his primary objective. If you want a deep dive into the Human Health Services report published in 2023 take a look here. It’s actually very reader friendly and full of interesting facts, graphics and suggestions.
So what’s going on?
CULTURAL NORMS The USA is a highly individualistic society that emphasizes loose social ties, self-reliance and policed vulnerability. Boys learn quickly to numb their feelings, hide their struggles and solve their own problems for fear of being mocked or harmed by their peers. This can lead to having limited skills making and maintaining good friendships and a lot of social anxiety when they try.
WEAKNESS Ask any male about the ideal man, and they’ll use words like tough, athletic, unflappable. Vulnerability equals weakness. That means they only feel comfortable opening up with female friends and colleagues. Therefore a man sharing personal stories of struggle and loss is questioned as being gay or feminine. The ultimate sign of weakness in “bro culture.” When women provide a listening ear and emotional care, men assume there must be romantic interest.
DIGITAL LIFE Lastly, it seems that spending more time in the digital realm also bears some of the blame. The limitless digital content that is always accessible lures a lot of men away from face to face interactions. Meeting with real people can be uncomfortable, expensive, and time consuming compared to the fantasy world of gaming, media and sports.
What can we do about it?
INDIVIDUAL THERAPY Starting with individual or group therapy is a great first step to wellness. The therapeutic experience begins with building a strong relationship with your counselor. This can be a really healing experience for a client unused to having someone listening intently, validating, asking follow up questions and using language of care and vulnerability. Therapists can also help clients work through social anxiety and process unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior that may be getting in the way of developing good friends.
SUPPORT OR PROCESS GROUPS Group therapy provides a space where members are encouraged to practice healthy social skills, build trusting relationships and receive support from other men. For some the relationships they develop within the group are enough, and for others they can take these new skills and apply them to making new friends outside of the group. See our group offerings here.
OTHER IDEAS Start an intentional group with your own friends that you’d like to know better! Join social groups or community organizations. Talk to the boys and men in your lives about loneliness. Take classes in a hobby you’d like to learn more about, and of course joining a team or league is always available. Each of these ideas will expose you to more people with shared interests and might lead to meaningful friendships in time.
